why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
