Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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