Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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