I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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