can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
