he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
