I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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