Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
