i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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