I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
