i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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