I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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