you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
