8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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