just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
