Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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