dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
