haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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