Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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