Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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