I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
