Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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