I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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