Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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