Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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