I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
