no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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