I hate your face
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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