the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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