Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
