I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We got so high we made milksteak
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
