hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
