good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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