it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
