sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
