It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
