don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
