The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
