Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
