He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
