I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
