with your own penis?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
