Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
