right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize