Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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