Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
