I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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