Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
