good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
