Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
