Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
