The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
