someone threw a dead crab at me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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