jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
