i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
