so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
