hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I could make wine with my vomit
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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