If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
