Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
