from now on my penis is your penis
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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