My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I am naked and annoyed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
