How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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