dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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