I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
