So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
