You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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