I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize