He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
