$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
