She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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