please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
