my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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